One of our favourite regular sections in Private Eye, the British satirical news magazine, is Pseuds' Corner. It's where the magazine reprints pompous twaddle; for the most part quoted material written or spoken by people who really ought to know better. Obviously many people in the local IT industry fall into this category.
Private Eye also runs an occasional Solutions column poking fun at the, often ridiculous, way this all-purpose word is used to increase the opacity of marketing bumf. Presumably business writers and speakers think the word sounds so much smarter than a more straightforward alternative like, say, 'thing'.
As the examples here show, this is yet another arena where New Zealanders’ performance is world class. All of these have been sent to Reseller News in the past two months and have been taken directly from press releases or company emails; don'tt laugh yet, your work may be here:
Symbol Technologies: LS3008 barcode scanner provides an affordable, high-performance, rugged scanning solution
- meaning it's a cheap bar-code scanner.
MYOB: Acquisition of Comacc creates a complete solution ...
- we think this might have something to do with the glass being more than half full.
Fujitsu Australia and New Zealand: Fujitsu is a full-service provider of information technology and communications solutions
- do they come in pint glasses or in buckets?
Altiris: Altiris counters security threats with Endpoint Security Solution
- sounds like the solution Socrates drank just before he died.
Packeteer: Packeteer launches iShared Branch Office WAN Optimisation Solution
- we're still puzzling over this one.
Onesource Group: Onesource Group buys Australia's largest independent document solutions company
- does this involve putting paperwork in a blender?
NetIQ: NetIQ, a leading provider of integrated systems and security management solutions, has been recognised by top industry research groups and publications
- obviously the disguise solution didn't work.
APC: APC launches new modular row-based cooling solutions for high-density environments
- it's got ice cubes floating in it.
Hewlett-Packard: Massey University selects HP and Laser Plus to supply a nationwide multifunction printing solution
- didn't we used to call that ink?
Symantec: Symantec to Support Linux on POWER with High Availability and Backup Solutions
- someone has shouted the next round while we're still drinking this one.
Wavelink: Wavelink to distribute VoWLAN solutions in Australia and New Zealand
- bartender, I'll have two.
Argent: ARGENT ENHANCES REVOL'S US NETWORK WITH ITS IN
